1. No, they're not happy endings, you creep. There's nothing happy about these. They're painful, awkward, and you may end up crying when you're finished. Okay, maybe they're a little like getting a happy ending.
2. When possible, always go for the large, heavy masseuse. There will be petite, skinny ones that you think, "awwww, how adorable," but those little assholes think just because they're small, it's okay for them to walk all over your back and legs. I've had plenty of women walk all over me in my life, but when they do it physically, it's anything but enjoyable, no matter how tiny they are.
2a. Plus, these small son of a bitches have sharp, pointy elbows, knees, and heels. They will dig into your muscles and spine with them. You don't want that. You want meat around their bones. The fattier, the better. If she looks like that football player from the Blind Side, congratulations. That's who you want. It's the difference between getting hit by a baseball bat versus a padded pugil stick on American Gladiators.
3. You will know what it's like to be on the losing end of a UFC fight. Except there's no ref to stop it. No bell to save you. No tap out for submission. You will lose for an hour straight to the ultimate UFC fighter...a tiny Thai woman named, Fuk Oww Mee.
4. She will pop your fingers and toes. It will be oddly satisfying, both physically and audibly. It sounds like a cartoon balloon getting popped by a pin. You will think, "I didn't know my body could make these sounds. I should apply for a sound effects job at Loony Toons."
5. Each masseuse has her own technique, the same way each character has their own special move in Street Fighter. If you find one you like, stick with her. Tip her well for the horrific pain she just caused you. She will give you the most wonderful, thankful smile you've seen because the extra $1.50 you just gave her will feed her entire family for the day. And maybe next time, she'll have a little mercy on you.
6. You will pray for mercy. You will find God, even if you're not religious at all. She will pull the Lord out of your bones. I suspect that is why there are so many temples here.
7. You will go to bed that night wanting ice for your soreness. You will wake up the next morning wanting to do it again. And again. And again. And you can because it's only about $6 a massage here versus whatever massages cost back in the states.
A Thai massage is a paradox– the most painful feeling in the moment, yet the most refreshing, rejuvenating feeling afterward. In its own unique way, it is a happy ending.