Tony Vinh


Cheers To Moms.


Moms. Am I right? They made us! Like, I'm not talking in the figurative sense about how they shaped our weird, shitty personalities. I mean they actually made us! If you're a 6'4" 240 lb. dude out there, your mom created you inside her belly and pushed you out like a Toyota factory makes a Corolla. And now you're bigger than her. Wtf! That's like if the Corolla was now bigger than the Toyota factory. You know how weird that'd be for everyone who worked in that factory? But moms don't care. The bigger you grow, the happier they are so they can brag to their friends, "My child is the biggest Corolla out there. Now I don't have to struggle to reach the top shelf anymore."

But for 9 months, we all completely fucked up our moms' bodies and they didn't care! They threw up all the time, ate like a feral beagle, and their bodies turned into something from Aliens where their toes got pudgy and it made our fingers and eyeballs and then weird tubes started feeding us. The only other times I've ever seen this are in sci-fi horror movies. If dads had to go through that, they'd go hide in the woods under some leaves and die. And what'd we do in return? Us being the shitty fetuses (fetae?) that we were, we'd kick them from the inside. Just big, cheap Draymond Green kicks when they weren't expecting it. But did they get mad? Noooooo. They were happy and invited everyone to touch their bellies and immediately signed us up for a soccer team at the YMCA, which is why we all had to play soccer.

And after all that, they had to push us out! All of us. No, I don't mean collectively like the Persians in the movie 300 trying to pass through a narrow passageway, I mean our entire bodies had to come out of them. You ever try to suck watermelon through a straw? No, because that would be ridiculous. But moms did that! Well, some moms cheated, but I understand. I wouldn't want to wreck my straw either.

And now we're here today. Mother's Day. Paying back the ones who literally shaped and carried us with a cheap card from Walgreens, flowers that will die in a week and a shitty lunch at some casino buffet. But do moms care? Nope. They still love us. Because they're moms. #happymothersday